![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
55cancrietoday, a log of jimin's was posted from april of last year. i'm a relatively 'new' ARMY, i think, i only became one at the end of 2017, and so i have never really experienced bangtan's logs being posted. i have seen few of them, mostly the funny ones, and the only one i remember being posted during my time in fandom was seokjin's at the very very beginning of 2018, after they won the daesang at the golden disk awards.
in the last few months, since the 2018 MAMA awards, i have been thinking. i thought 2018 was a fantastic year. BTS spoke at the UN, they topped billboard's album chart twice, consecutively. 'FAKE LOVE' debuted at number 10 on the hot 100. BTS played citifield! every single concert was sold out! i was happy pretty much the whole year. any drama that happened was taken care of, as far as i remember. so i thought it was good. everything was fine.
then: MAMA.
bts wins artist of the year.
as hoseok is addressing the audience, thanking everyone for such a prestigious award, he says, "this award is..." and trails off, smiling, probably trying to think of the right words. i am so happy for him, for them, so proud of them with my year-old love.
and then his expression drops.
our hobi, our sunshine, gets an almost stricken expression, and he's suddenly holding back tears. jimin smiles at him and hugs him, leaning his chin on his shoulder. hoseoks says, "i swear... i would have cried whether we got this award or not, because we've been through so many trials."
and i just. i thought this year was good, you know? i thought it was good. they did so, so, so well. they went to the bbmas, they made great music, they had wonderful performances, even though jungkook injured his foot.
hoseok keeps speaking through tears, he says we've given him so much love. he wants to return it to us. he thanks his members for sticking by him. he says thank you and that he loves us, again, before quickly stepping away.
and then jimin comes, lovely jimin. his eye smile dazzles us. and then he says, "this year we've been through.. we may admit we had a rough year." he says he and the members talked a lot. they realized they had a lot of people behind them--"because army is with us, even in the trials, we could stay happy and keep walking."
my thoughts again--i thought this year was good? i thought it was good?
taehyung takes the mic. he thanks the members parents for supporting them. he immediately starts crying. "this award, i can't... i can't believe we won this award." other members are holding back tears around him as he speaks. he says, "even if i were born again, i would still believe army is the best present in my life."
yoongi comes up. he thanks us, he says he's glad, he expresses gratitude, he says "as for me, this year could be the happiest year of my life."
and i think, oh, okay, maybe it's not so bad. i really hope it's not so bad.
and then seokjin decides to take his turn. and he's been crying, i can see the tear tracks down his face. it is quieting. seokjin has been crying, and seokjin--seokjin doesn't cry often. not like jimin, not like taehyung, who both get overwhelmed with emotion and cry openly. seokjin takes it upon himself to be the secondary moodmaker after hoseok, seokjin breaks the ice in uncomfortable situations. seokjin doesn't like sharing his hardships with the world.
seokjin calls, "army!" softly. his voice is shaky. he wipes a few tears from his face. he says, "i think of the beginning of this year." he says, "to tell you the truth, during those days we've been through hard times." he says, "we once talked about... 'should we disband out team?'" taehyung breaks down, namjoon is holding back tears, behind him. he says, "however, thankfully, we could recover ourselves, and now here we stand in front of you."
but i am reeling. disbandment? disbandment? how could i not know? how come i never realized? earlier in the year, bangtan renewed their contract for seven more years, on top of the next year of the contract they need to finish up. i thought this year was good.
it's absolutely delusional to think that i would know anything about the personal lives and the real experiences of bangtan, and i was of course naive to think that everything was sunshine and daisies when bts suddenly had double the pressure on their shoulders.
still. i thought this year had been good. bangtan didn't tell us about this, bangtan didn't want to worry us, it's not our fault. sure, fake love had lyrics that alluded to problems deeper. sure, their album concepts called out problems with the entertainment industry. but i was in the mindset that if bangtan doesn't say something bad is going on, something bad wasn't going on.
i felt, stupidly, guilty. i feel, stupidly, guilty.
so.
a log of jimin's was posted today, this morning, from last year. he talks about how they're in the middle of prepping their album, how it feels extra long since they last came back. he talks for almost 20 minutes straight. he mentions their hardship they've been going through--which seems to still linger. he says coming into the new year, the members collectively had a very hard time, and he has had a hard time for 3 or 4 months. he's gotten out of that dip, after remembering a feeling from watching fans sing, and after spending a short, but relaxing vacation with the other members.
he says, "i'm happy. i'm very happy." he says he wants to come back very soon. he says that we, army, are the reason he continues to go on stage and keep singing, that we are the reason he is so happy. he says he's happy, again, that he found the reason to come back to his senses.
realizing it now, that seokjin log that was posted--that's right around the time of this physical and mental exhaustion bts talks about having. and, the main thing seokjin had expressed in that log was gratitude. towards the members, toward army, and towards the staff members at their company.
it's so... i don't even know. my first reaction is to go through everything. all their music, all their videos, all their tweets, vlives, fancafe posts, everything. try to find out what was wrong and when it was wrong and why i didn't notice. why didn't i pay any mind? another part of me tells me that they've only revealed so much, that i shouldn't go snooping. they've only told us so much for a reason. they already show us so, so much. they're filmed near constantly. burn the stage comes to mind. but i always want to know. i always want to feel closer to them, emotionally. they are some of the most important people in my life, however stupid that may sound.
i am the kind of person, who, after a long time of not being treated well by my friends, has decided to try and be people's comfort and encouragement. i try for my close friends and my friends who i don't know so so well, and a lot of the time i probably fail. but because i am that kind of person now, all i want is to be that love for bts. there are millions of armys, and my chance of ever looking them in the face is one decimal point from none, but i have the strongest urge to do whatever i can for them. maybe i don't have a large youtube account, and i'm too shy to participate in most visible projects for bts. hell, i'm too embarrassed to express how much i love the members on their birthday.
what do i do to help them? watch their concerts on a low quality live stream? like their twitter posts and spam them with "i love you"s? buy their albums and their merch? how am i supposed to be an army that gives bangtan the love and comfort they need when all i do is spend my money on things they are linked to?
jimin said in his log that he cried when he watched a video of armys singing along to young forever.
all i do is write fic and draw sometimes, and yell with my friends about bangtan's latest selfie. i listen to their music every day but i don't know the fanchants. everything feels so superficial compared to donation projects or long letters, to fansigns where k-armys can hold bangtans hand for real, and tell them how much they mean to them.
what am i supposed to do? when bangtan feel like they're in a desert, when they're telling themselves that this kind of love won't last. what am i supposed to do? i haven't properly leveled up on fancafe. this friday, i'll use up all my savings to try to get a concert ticket, but i'm not thinking about getting seats ultra close to them. tonight, i'll hug an rj plushie when i try to sleep. it so inconsequential. it's so minuscule. i vote for them to get awards when i can, but i stay out of fights for them. i watch their vlives when i can, but i get so lost in listening to them that i forget to comment. i forget to press that little heart in the bottom right.
maybe it's wrong to nitpick all the things i do for bangtan, to compare my experience to armys who probably have more money, i don't know. what am i supposed to do with all this love? it just sits in my chest and simmers there, bubbling up when bangtan posts.
it's so different when you love a person versus when you love a fictional character. real people go through real things and have real feelings, and you can have real impacts on their lives. how do i have an impact on their lives like this?
so frustrating to think about.
in the last few months, since the 2018 MAMA awards, i have been thinking. i thought 2018 was a fantastic year. BTS spoke at the UN, they topped billboard's album chart twice, consecutively. 'FAKE LOVE' debuted at number 10 on the hot 100. BTS played citifield! every single concert was sold out! i was happy pretty much the whole year. any drama that happened was taken care of, as far as i remember. so i thought it was good. everything was fine.
then: MAMA.
bts wins artist of the year.
as hoseok is addressing the audience, thanking everyone for such a prestigious award, he says, "this award is..." and trails off, smiling, probably trying to think of the right words. i am so happy for him, for them, so proud of them with my year-old love.
and then his expression drops.
our hobi, our sunshine, gets an almost stricken expression, and he's suddenly holding back tears. jimin smiles at him and hugs him, leaning his chin on his shoulder. hoseoks says, "i swear... i would have cried whether we got this award or not, because we've been through so many trials."
and i just. i thought this year was good, you know? i thought it was good. they did so, so, so well. they went to the bbmas, they made great music, they had wonderful performances, even though jungkook injured his foot.
hoseok keeps speaking through tears, he says we've given him so much love. he wants to return it to us. he thanks his members for sticking by him. he says thank you and that he loves us, again, before quickly stepping away.
and then jimin comes, lovely jimin. his eye smile dazzles us. and then he says, "this year we've been through.. we may admit we had a rough year." he says he and the members talked a lot. they realized they had a lot of people behind them--"because army is with us, even in the trials, we could stay happy and keep walking."
my thoughts again--i thought this year was good? i thought it was good?
taehyung takes the mic. he thanks the members parents for supporting them. he immediately starts crying. "this award, i can't... i can't believe we won this award." other members are holding back tears around him as he speaks. he says, "even if i were born again, i would still believe army is the best present in my life."
yoongi comes up. he thanks us, he says he's glad, he expresses gratitude, he says "as for me, this year could be the happiest year of my life."
and i think, oh, okay, maybe it's not so bad. i really hope it's not so bad.
and then seokjin decides to take his turn. and he's been crying, i can see the tear tracks down his face. it is quieting. seokjin has been crying, and seokjin--seokjin doesn't cry often. not like jimin, not like taehyung, who both get overwhelmed with emotion and cry openly. seokjin takes it upon himself to be the secondary moodmaker after hoseok, seokjin breaks the ice in uncomfortable situations. seokjin doesn't like sharing his hardships with the world.
seokjin calls, "army!" softly. his voice is shaky. he wipes a few tears from his face. he says, "i think of the beginning of this year." he says, "to tell you the truth, during those days we've been through hard times." he says, "we once talked about... 'should we disband out team?'" taehyung breaks down, namjoon is holding back tears, behind him. he says, "however, thankfully, we could recover ourselves, and now here we stand in front of you."
but i am reeling. disbandment? disbandment? how could i not know? how come i never realized? earlier in the year, bangtan renewed their contract for seven more years, on top of the next year of the contract they need to finish up. i thought this year was good.
it's absolutely delusional to think that i would know anything about the personal lives and the real experiences of bangtan, and i was of course naive to think that everything was sunshine and daisies when bts suddenly had double the pressure on their shoulders.
still. i thought this year had been good. bangtan didn't tell us about this, bangtan didn't want to worry us, it's not our fault. sure, fake love had lyrics that alluded to problems deeper. sure, their album concepts called out problems with the entertainment industry. but i was in the mindset that if bangtan doesn't say something bad is going on, something bad wasn't going on.
i felt, stupidly, guilty. i feel, stupidly, guilty.
so.
a log of jimin's was posted today, this morning, from last year. he talks about how they're in the middle of prepping their album, how it feels extra long since they last came back. he talks for almost 20 minutes straight. he mentions their hardship they've been going through--which seems to still linger. he says coming into the new year, the members collectively had a very hard time, and he has had a hard time for 3 or 4 months. he's gotten out of that dip, after remembering a feeling from watching fans sing, and after spending a short, but relaxing vacation with the other members.
he says, "i'm happy. i'm very happy." he says he wants to come back very soon. he says that we, army, are the reason he continues to go on stage and keep singing, that we are the reason he is so happy. he says he's happy, again, that he found the reason to come back to his senses.
realizing it now, that seokjin log that was posted--that's right around the time of this physical and mental exhaustion bts talks about having. and, the main thing seokjin had expressed in that log was gratitude. towards the members, toward army, and towards the staff members at their company.
it's so... i don't even know. my first reaction is to go through everything. all their music, all their videos, all their tweets, vlives, fancafe posts, everything. try to find out what was wrong and when it was wrong and why i didn't notice. why didn't i pay any mind? another part of me tells me that they've only revealed so much, that i shouldn't go snooping. they've only told us so much for a reason. they already show us so, so much. they're filmed near constantly. burn the stage comes to mind. but i always want to know. i always want to feel closer to them, emotionally. they are some of the most important people in my life, however stupid that may sound.
i am the kind of person, who, after a long time of not being treated well by my friends, has decided to try and be people's comfort and encouragement. i try for my close friends and my friends who i don't know so so well, and a lot of the time i probably fail. but because i am that kind of person now, all i want is to be that love for bts. there are millions of armys, and my chance of ever looking them in the face is one decimal point from none, but i have the strongest urge to do whatever i can for them. maybe i don't have a large youtube account, and i'm too shy to participate in most visible projects for bts. hell, i'm too embarrassed to express how much i love the members on their birthday.
what do i do to help them? watch their concerts on a low quality live stream? like their twitter posts and spam them with "i love you"s? buy their albums and their merch? how am i supposed to be an army that gives bangtan the love and comfort they need when all i do is spend my money on things they are linked to?
jimin said in his log that he cried when he watched a video of armys singing along to young forever.
all i do is write fic and draw sometimes, and yell with my friends about bangtan's latest selfie. i listen to their music every day but i don't know the fanchants. everything feels so superficial compared to donation projects or long letters, to fansigns where k-armys can hold bangtans hand for real, and tell them how much they mean to them.
what am i supposed to do? when bangtan feel like they're in a desert, when they're telling themselves that this kind of love won't last. what am i supposed to do? i haven't properly leveled up on fancafe. this friday, i'll use up all my savings to try to get a concert ticket, but i'm not thinking about getting seats ultra close to them. tonight, i'll hug an rj plushie when i try to sleep. it so inconsequential. it's so minuscule. i vote for them to get awards when i can, but i stay out of fights for them. i watch their vlives when i can, but i get so lost in listening to them that i forget to comment. i forget to press that little heart in the bottom right.
maybe it's wrong to nitpick all the things i do for bangtan, to compare my experience to armys who probably have more money, i don't know. what am i supposed to do with all this love? it just sits in my chest and simmers there, bubbling up when bangtan posts.
it's so different when you love a person versus when you love a fictional character. real people go through real things and have real feelings, and you can have real impacts on their lives. how do i have an impact on their lives like this?
so frustrating to think about.
